The Visit
by Ruthyroo
Summary: A follow on from The Cross. Stendan.


**Hope you enjoy this xx**

**The Visit :)**

Today's the day; I'm going to see him again. I hope I look okay; I've already changed my clothes three times. I want to look my best for him; I'm still hoping to catch his attention. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but it's hard when I love him so much.

I didn't sleep last night; I guess nerves got the better of me. I didn't really want him to see me in here, but I guess I owe him that much. I can't wait to see him now though. I hope he's not disappointed seeing me in my prison get up and my Brady tash that is now wearing a beard.

I'm on my way to him and in about twenty minutes I'll be seeing him. My heart is pounding and I feel dead excited, first time I've had that feeling for a while. The only thing that worries me is that I will have to leave him again and I don't know if I can cope with that. One visit won't be enough for me and I'm hoping it won't be enough for him either.

It's nearly time now, I'm going to be called into the visiting room shortly and I've already started fidgeting. I keep looking at myself in the mirror; I wish I could've looked better for him. I hope he doesn't notice the bags under my eyes and the fact that I've aged five years in five weeks.

I'm here and all of a sudden I feel sick. What if he pushes me away? What if he doesn't want to see me again? I don't think I could handle any more rejection from him. I try to walk but my legs have turned to jelly and any minute now I'm going to be faced with the love of my life.

I'm sat down waiting for him, I can hardly keep still and I'm tapping the table like I'm listening to music. I'm looking down, but I can see people entering the room out of the corner of my eye. I can't look up, but then I do because I can sense his presence and there he is, my beautiful Steven. And he takes my breath away again.

A group of us walk to the visiting room, I'm stuck in the middle and I just want to push past everyone and be the first person to go in. I feel like I've been waiting forever to see him. I notice him straight away, he looks nervous, out of place and he is looking down at the table and fidgeting. Then I watch as he looks up, he is staring right at me and I am mesmerised by him once more.

He stands still like he is frozen on the spot and he smiles at me, not just a little smile a real big goofy smile and even though I smile back I feel like crying. I feel like crying because it's hard seeing him and not being able to take him in my arms and show him how much I've missed him. I have to be strong now though and as he makes his way over to me, he is all I see.

I want to run to him but I just stand still and admire him for a bit. I smile at him purely because I am so happy to see him and when he smiles back I start making my way over to him. It feels like I'm walking in slow motion, but twenty more steps and I'll be right in front of him. I want to kiss him, throw my arms around him, but I don't think that'll go down too well in here.

I stand up as he approaches the table, I can tell he doesn't know what to do so I make it easy for him and pull him into a warm embrace. He smells so good, he smells so Steven and now I'm holding him I don't want to let him go. But one of the guards soon put's a stop to it as he tells us to sit down.

I feel very uneasy on my feet, my palms are sweaty and I'm wondering if I'm ever going to make it over to him, but thankfully I do. It's like he can read my mind because he pulls me in for a hug, a warm very much needed hug and I never want to let go of him. If I died right now I'd be happy.

We both sit down and for the first few minutes neither of us speak. We just stare intently at each other, he looks even more beautiful, but maybe that's because I haven't seen him for a while. He puts his hands on the table and I automatically grab hold of them, I am going to make the most of the time I have with him.

We both sit down, but I can't speak. I stare at every inch of his face and he does the same to me. I feel so nervous and I have so many things I want to say to him. I rest my hands on the table and he holds on to them like it's the most natural thing in the world and to us it is. We have such a short time together; I don't want to waste a minute of it.

"Ye look great Steven."

"In these? I just threw this on me."

"Well ye look good…real good."

"Ta. I didn't think I was gonna see you again."

"I had to thank ye for returning my necklace didn't I? Even though I wanted ye to have it."

"What and that's it?"

"I can't give ye anything else Steven."

"So you haven't changed your mind about us then?"

"I can't Steven. It doesn't matter what I want anymore."

"Then I guess there is nothing more to say is there."

I pull my hands away from his and I stand up to leave. I'm angry and I'm glad I'm angry because if I wasn't I'd be crying. I'm just hurting myself more by being rejected by him again. I can't stand this and I need to leave now.

What am I doing? Why am I pushing him away even now? He is the only one who has bothered, who has wanted to see me and I can't hurt him anymore. But where do we go from here, I can't offer him anything although I want to.

"Wait I don't want ye leaving like this."

"Like what?"

"Angry with me."

"I'm always angry with you aren't I?"

"Please Steven just sit down."

I sit back down because I don't want to leave it like this between us. I don't want to go back home with nothing, I need him so much.

I'm just glad he listens to me; I hate it when he is angry with me, but I don't know how to make him feel any better. What can I do stuck in here?

"I'm sorry Bren, I just thought that…"

"Ye thought what Steven?"

"It doesn't matter."

"What do ye want from me?"

"You Brendan…I want you."

"We've been through this Steven."

"I know but I can't live without you, I'm a mess all the time."

"I can't expect ye to wait for me and put ye life on hold."

"But isn't that my choice to make? Stop making my decisions for me."

"Do ye not think I want that? I want to be with ye forever, but my life has changed now. I can't love ye the way I want to in here."

"Can't we just try?"

"But what if ye meet someone else or get bored of waiting around? Then it's all over and I don't think I could cope with that."

"I want you and only you and will still be waiting for you regardless of what you say to me. You'll get out of here one day and we can be together then."

"Ye gonna wait for me anyway?"

"Always."

I'm sounding desperate now, but I'm just telling him how it's gonna be. He is my one and only and I won't give up no matter what.

God he loves me and I love him too, so much. He desperately wants me to offer him a future and I'm tempted; really tempted. We belong together after all.

"So what now Steven? How do we get through this?"

"Together Bren. We get through this together."

"I can't promise you anything Steven and I have nothing to offer you, but I know one thing, I love you and will do for the rest of my life."

"That's all I've ever wanted anyway Brendan."

It's already time to go and the tears are streaming down my face now as I knew they would. I stand up and so does he and he pulls me in for another hug. He rests his head on mine and then he takes a chance and kisses me on the lips. It's slow and sensual and I never want it to end.

I don't want him to go; he's only just got here. I hold him because I need to; I need to feel him close to me once more. I find his lips easily; I don't care what other people think…not this time. This might not work between us but it's a chance I have to take. I can't be without him.

"So shall I write?"

"You'd better Steven."

"I love you."

"I love ye too."

My tears still flowed but I also had a silly grin on my face. I didn't know if we were going to work out or not but what I wanted was the chance and now I've got that. I kept turning round to look at him as I walked away and gave him one last final wave just before I left.

He's amazing, that man is something else. I watch him walk away and it takes all my strength not to break down. I wanna cry because he's leaving, but also because I'm happy that I've let him in again. I don't know what the future holds anymore, but I know I want him in mine.

Being at home didn't seem so bad now and for the first time in a while I felt happy. Happy because me and Brendan were going to try and work things out. It was going to be hard I know but I finally had a reason for living again.

Being back in my cell with thoughts of him, I feel happy for the first time since I've been in here. He just has this way about him; he makes everything better just by being there. I'm not going to mess this up; I will do what I need to do to make him happy.

I can't wait to see him again, my beautiful Steven.

I can't wait to see Brendan again, the love of my life.

**Please review xx xx xx**


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